The Red Bull Mountain Mayhem is drawing closer. In fact it’s next weekend. The TORQ FITNESS team are just fitting together the last pieces of the jigsaw, organising shopping lists, responsibilities, cleaning their bikes and most importantly arguing over who’s going to do the bloody run!

Here’s the team and a little bit about their masterful qualities.

MATT HART (former Pro-Elite): El Capitan, Numero Uno, The Boss. His training methods and sports nutrition products are sponsoring the team of the team. Unfortunately he sounds worryingly like Judge Jules from Radio One (separated at birth?), however unlike Jules, Matt’s disco dancing leaves a lot to be desired (see www.101stupidwaystobreakyourleg.com).

More riders use his training methods than use Shimano gears, but heh that just because it works. Expect to see his TORQ funded BMW at races soon. In fact, the rest of the team have been taking bribes to drop out of the race so that Matt has to ride the entire thing solo. We all want to see him hurting for a change, rather than his usual standing at the top of a hill with his clipboard yelling.

Matt used to race back in the days when a Suntour XC groupset was cutting edge (snigger) and still rides his Ti Bonty, which has seen more action than Action Mans underwear. Brought out of racing retirement to show the world how Sports Science really does make you a better athlete.

Lives in London, well Watford and so has no idea about real race courses anymore. This is his first 24 hour race and as a result has no idea what he has gotten himself into. He will need more than his ‘bubble’ to get him round a night lap at three in the morning.

SCOTT O’NEIL-GWILLIAMS (Sport): A miserable tight bastard from Dudley, West Midlands, and is a Geotechnical Engineer. This means that he fills in holes in the ground, and sometimes looks at holes on maps with a view to filling them. Constantly moans about everything in life, especially his job, and is showing exceptional loyalty by continuously skiving off to go to interviews at other companies.

He is yet to find a job paying significantly more than his current £4.50 a week. Is always on the scrounge, after any free bits going, and even if they aren’t free, he will try and guilt-trip someone else to pay for them. A real sketchy rider, and hard on his equipment – manages to snap titanium frames when riding on totally flat smooth ground. Is always a good candidate to provide entertainment with comedy crashes on easy sections of the course.

Obsessive about weight but is yet to realise that he could save a huge amount of weight off his beer belly. Is always well chuffed when he beats his mate, Jim at a race, regardless of how badly they do overall. Has declined the invitation to race Expert to do a bit of glory hunting in Sport. As he recently said “I’m not moving until I’ve got some silverware”. Nuf said.

JAMES DUCKER (Sport): An old hand at this 24 racing larky, has managed to ride the race for the last two years on someone else’s bikes (jammy sod). Currently at the university of Brum so it’s amazing that he gets time to train with all the drinking that he has to do!

Very fast and super keen on a bike, but somehow rides very quietly so you don’t know he’s behind you. Excels on hilly courses, shame it won’t help him at the Red Bull though. Fortunately his sister’s a good cook though and she’s preparing all our grub, so obviously James is worth his weight in gold.

Jim is really easy to spot at races he’s the guy in the big green land Rover filled with bike kit.

PHIL RAYNER (Pro-Elite): A guy who’s been racing bikes almost as long as Steve Redgrave’s been rowing. If he’s not arriving late to a race he’s missing a flight to somewhere important. He’s worked in bike shops for longer than he’s been racing, so knows loads about the things. Unfortunately this bores the pants off people that don’t give a sh!t.

He’s the only Pro-Elite rider that say’s “No you go first”, even when there’s a sprint for the line. He never drops out of a race, always gets his moneys worth and like Forest Gump, if you told him the race was 5 times round the world he’d do it!

Always happy and laid back. Never unnerved, unless he’s winning of course.